GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
