Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
