Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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