She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
