chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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