The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
