We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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