i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
