If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
