Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
