My hand turned me down
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
