I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
im six kinds of drunk right now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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