I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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