what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
