I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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