they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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