it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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