Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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