My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
