Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
