The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
