evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
