I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
