He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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