Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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