is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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