I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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