i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
