just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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