Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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