its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
