did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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