Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
