she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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