I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
