More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
