who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
