why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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