Too much gin, very little bucket
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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