dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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