I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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