My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
