I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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