Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
