I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
