His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
