FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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