If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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