got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
