My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
